August 31, 2012-When “you” read this, I hope “you” apologize to me.
When I was in senior high school, there was somebody admiring me. Unfortunately, I didn’t like him. I tried to avoid him but he made effort to attract me. He did anything and I began to sympathize with him because he really knew me, he understood me. One thing that I didn’t like from him was that his appearance. I was not a sort of hypocritical person, I searched for someone who was good-looking at that time. Yet still, I accepted the way he was.
Time went by and I was still with him. We didn’t have a special relationship but we did something that couple did as well. Actually, it was not like a real couple but generally it was the same. The different was that we rarely met and there was something like a barrier between us so I felt difficult to express what I felt to him. He convinced me that he did love me by inviting me to a dinner with his family. It was not for once or twice, but three times even more. Honestly, I had no feeling to him because I still thought that he couldn’t be what I wanted him to be.
Then, I decided to leave him and it was in a harsh way. We didn’t get along well for few years until one time, after about 3 years I could talk to him again. He said he still loved me. I thought he didn’t change at all, his appearance, his character, his feeling to me though I didn’t know whether he did love me or not. He had got a job and lived outside this island. We got closer and closer again but it was just for awhile because I realized that he was not what I wanted and I had had a boyfriend.
I didn’t meet him anymore after that separation but we still kept in touch via blackberry messenger. He kept behaving that he loved me but I gave no response. When I was involved in student service project, he called me. He said he wanted to say something but I didn’t want to answer his call. I asked him to text me only but he didn’t want so I just ignored him and had no curiosity about what he was going to talk about.
After finishing the student service project, I heard that he was going to get married. What a big shot it was! What he said to me about his feeling so far, is that true? Or he just lied to me. Or it is I who have wrong suspicion about his feeling. Maybe I am wrong to think that he still loves me while he doesn’t. I think he just wants me to be someone when he needs but when he doesn’t need, he can throw me away. He is such a hypocritical man. I really hate him and I won’t remember anymore about what he has done to me.
He invited me to his marriage but I couldn’t come, I didn’t want to come, and I wouldn’t come. No one knows how big my hateful feeling to him. Now, when I see his picture with another girl, I always want to know and see more and more, why? Am I jealous? Indeed, I AM NOT. But I don’t know for sure, I can say NO yet in the deep of my heart, who knows?! It is too impossible for me to envy. I just think that why does this all happen to me? I don’t believe in him and I don’t want to know about him. No more…
